The Phantom of Von Varkenstein Manor
by Erin T. Aardvark
Summary: Cyril buys a supposedly haunted manor house, wanting to turn it into a hotel
1. Von Varkenstein Manor

It was a typical day in the Evergreen Forest. At the Sneer mansion, Cedric and Sophia were spending time with their children, four-year-old Forest, and six-month-old Evelyn. They were enjoying a bit of peace and quiet until Cedric's father, Cyril, began calling him.

"Cedric!" he shouted. "Cedric, get down here! Now!"

"Coming, Pop!" Cedric called, and he started down the stairs. Sophia and the kids followed, wondering what was going on. When the four of them reached the office, they saw Cyril with his feet propped up on the desk.

"Ahhh, Cedric," he said. "I've just made a deal that's going to make millions."

"What is it this time, Pop?" Cedric asked, knowing darn well that his father's Million Dollar Ideas were usually duds.

"I just bought the old Von Varkenstein place," Cyril said. "I plan on turning it into a hotel."

"The V-v-v-von Varkenstein place?!" Cedric shouted, suddenly growing pale. "Pop, don't you know that old house is haunted by the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein?!"

"Oh Cedric!" Sophia shouted. "There's no such things as ghosts!"

"That's why I bought it, Cedric," Cyril said. "It was so cheap. No one was buying because of that silly story."

"I don't know, Pop," Cedric said. "People have been there. They say weird things go on in that old place."

"They just say that to scare people," Cyril said, getting up. "You just wait, Cedric. I'll have that old Von Varkenstein place making me money before you know it!"

Cedric wasn't sure about this. The next day, he and Sophia were over at the Raccoondominium talking about Cyril's latest money making scheme.

"He's gonna turn the Von Varkenstein place into a hotel?!" Bert shouted. "Doesn't he know that place is haunted?!"

"That's what I told him," Cedric said. "Pop doesn't believe the story."

"You guys are being ridiculous," Melissa said. "You know there aren't any such things as ghosts. Von Varkenstein Manor may be old and run down, and abandoned, but it's not haunted."

"Then how do you explain all the weird stuff that's said to go on down there?" Bert asked. "Creaking doors, spooky howls, and they've even seen Count Verner Von Varkenstein himself! Whoooooo!"

"Cut it out, Bert," Cedric said. "You're giving me the creeps!"

"Sorry," Bert said.

"Well, I think it's just plain silly," Sophia replied. "Come on, Cedric. Let's go."

"Okay," Cedric said, and he and Sophia started for the door. "We'll see you guys later."

When Cedric and Sophia returned to the Sneer mansion, they found the Pigs huddling together in a corner, shaking nervously, and whimpering.

"What's the matter, guys?" Cedric asked.

"Your dad's on the phone with the construction crew," Lloyd said. "They won't set one foot near Von Varkenstein Manor!"

"And if he can't get the construction people out there, _we're_ the ones who have to do the renovations," Boyd said, nervously.

"What's wrong with that?" Sophia asked.

"Doesn't the boss know it's haunted?!" Floyd yelled.

"Oh for goodness sake," Sophia groaned. Just then, Cyril slammed the phone down in his office, and stormed out.

"Those construction people," he groaned. "I've called five companies, and none of them are going to handle the Von Varkenstein Manor renovations! If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself! Pigs, you're going to have to do the job."

"Oh no, sir! No, please, sir!" Floyd begged. "Anything but Von Varkenstein Manor!"

"Don't make us go there, sir!" Boyd begged. "I'm allergic to ghosts!"

"There are no such things as ghosts," Cyril said. "Cedric, don't make any plans tomorrow, and call those Raccoon friends of yours. I'm going to need a lot of hands for this job. Tomorrow, we're all going down to Von Varkenstein Manor and get it fixed up. And I'll show you there are no such things as ghosts!"

The next day, Cyril, Cedric, Sophia, and the Pigs were standing in front of Von Varkenstein Manor. Ralph, Melissa, and Bert were there, and so were Lisa and Bentley. Schafer had arrived as well. Broo, Snag, Forest, and Evelyn were along, too, and everyone was just staring at the old run down house, not quite sure what to make of it. A couple of bats flew out from the windows, and were screeching.

"Yee-ike!" Bert shouted, nearly jumping ten feet in the air.

"This place reminds me of the opening credits of _Scooby Doo_," Bentley commented. "Very creepy."

"A-a-a-and the g-g-g-ghost of V-v-v-verner V-v-v-von V-v-v-varkenstein is w-w-w-waiting in th-th-there f-f-f-for u-u-us!" Boyd stammered, trying to hide behind Cyril's leg.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Porky Pig," Bert commented.

"Get off my leg, you sniveling swine!" Cyril said, shaking Boyd off his leg. "Let's get started! We've got a lot of ground to cover!"

"Maybe we should stay out here," Lloyd said. "It might be safer!"

"Yeah!" Floyd agreed. "I mean, I mean . . . . this place hasn't been inspected in a long, long, long-long-long-long-long time! It's just not safe!"

"What are you bacon brains babbling about?" Cyril asked.

"Well, it may not be safe to bring the children in there!" Lloyd said.

"I can handle it," Bentley said.

"Me too!" Forest shouted.

"Well, I'm sure you boys could," Lloyd said. "But not little Evelyn! Oh no, it's just not safe to take little Evelyn in that old house where the ceiling might cave in, and the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein might scare poor little Evelyn! He might scare her so much, it'll scar her for life! Imagine the size of the therapy bills!"

"You're just afraid that the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein is going to scare _you_," Lisa said. "And scar _you_ for life."

"Your point?" Lloyd asked.

"I've had enough of this!" Cyril shouted. "I'm going in there!"

"So am I," Lisa said. "I'm not afraid."

"Neither am I," Melissa said.

Sophia and Schafer followed them. They weren't afraid of a silly story. The others just staid right where they were, thinking it over. Then, finally, they went inside as well.

"Maybe they're right," Ralph said. "Maybe there isn't such a thing as the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein."

"I hope you're right, Ralph," Bert said, slightly nervous.


	2. Haunted House

The minute the group got inside, they split up to get to work. The Pigs took the kitchen. Ralph and Schafer decided to give the main hall a good scrubbing. Sophia and Melissa took Forest and Evelyn and went upstairs to clean up the bedrooms. Bert and Cedric went outside to work on patching up the roof. Lisa and Bentley ended up in the music room.

"This place looks like a ghost convention," Bentley said, looking around. "Look at all the white sheets!"

"Well, we'd better get started," Lisa said. "Help me find a light switch, Bentley."

Lisa and Bentley looked around the room to find a light switch. Suddenly, Bentley let out a scream, and ran, hiding behind his sister.

"Look, Lisa!" he shouted, pointing across the room. "It's a ghost floating right there by the window!"

"Bentley, there are no such things as ghosts," Lisa said, walking over to the ghost. "There's a logical explanation to this. There's usually a logical explanation to everything."

Lisa grabbed the "ghost," which turned out to be another white sheet. She pulled it off, revealing a coat rack, by an open window. She dropped the sheet, and shut the window.

"There," she said. "It was just a white sheet covering a coat rack by the open window. There's a breeze out there. Now come on. Let's get to work cleaning this place up."

Lisa finally found the light switch, and flipped it. Then she and Bentley got to work removing the sheets, and spreading dust all over the place. Bentley began folding one of the sheets until he bumped into a piano, which suddenly started playing "When the Saints Go Marching In" by itself. Bentley let out another scream, and ran to Lisa.

"Lisa, it's a haunted piano!" he shouted. "Look, it's playing by itself!"

"Bentley!" Lisa groaned, feeling exasperated. She walked over to the piano and inspected it. Then she sighed.

"Bentley, this is a player piano," she explained. "It's sup_posed_ to play by itself! See this up here? It's pre-programmed music. It fits into this little compartment here, and that's what makes the music. You must've activated something on it when you bumped into it. Now stop being such a scaredy cat and help me clean up."

"I don't know, Lisa. This place is pretty scary to me."

"Like I said before, Bentley, there's a logical explanation to everything."

Suddenly, a waltz was heard in the room, being played by what sounded like a string quartet, and definitely _not_ a player piano. The Raccoon siblings turned to locate the source of the music, and found two violins, a viola, and a cello floating in the air, and playing by themselves.

"So what's your logical explanation to that, Lisa?" Bentley asked.

"That this place is haunted!" Lisa shouted. "Let's get out of here!"

Lisa and Bentley ran from the music room, screaming in panic.

Meanwhile, Bert and Cedric were pounding tiles onto the roof with hammers. Cedric kept stopping every couple of minutes, though.

"Hey, come on, Cedric, don't dawdle," Bert said. "The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get out of here!"

"I know, Bert," Cedric said.

"You still worried about this Verner Von Varkenstein ghost?"

"No. I'm worried about being up here on the roof when the storm hits."

"Storm?"

"Yeah, look at those dark clouds. The wind's picking up, too. There's definitely a storm in the air. We'd better hurry up and get back inside."

"Right."

Bert hammered some tiles in. He and Cedric were so engrossed in working, they did not notice the peanut butter sandwich Bert had brought up to the roof with him, floating away. They didn't even notice it was gone until Bert got hungry and reached for it. All he found was an empty plate.

"Hey, Cedric!" Bert shouted. "What'd you do with my sandwich?"

"I didn't do anything, Bert," Cedric said.

"Well, I know I had a peanut butter sandwich right here on this plate! It just didn't get up and walk away you know!"

"You probably ate it already. I know you and peanut butter. You don't eat it. You inhale it!"

"Yeah, I guess maybe you're right. Boy, I gotta learn to slow down when I eat peanut butter."

The boys went back to work. Bert continued hammering. He took a breath, and wiped some sweat from his forehead.

"Whew, this is hard work!" he shouted. "I could sure use a peanut butter soda right about now!"

Suddenly, Bert was handed a bottle of peanut butter soda. He promptly opened it, and took a long swig out of it.

"Thanks, Cedric!" he shouted.

"You're welcome," Cedric replied. Then he realized something. "For what?"

"Didn't you hand me my soda?"

"No."

"Well if you didn't, then who . . . ."

Bert didn't get to finish his sentence. He and Cedric suddenly saw a hammer floating in midair right in front of them. A sinister cackle was heard. Bert and Cedric screamed, and climbed off the roof, through an open window, and back into the manor.

Inside, Sophia and Melissa were busy dusting the old wooden furniture in the master bedroom, as well as wiping away cobwebs that seemed to be hanging from every corner of the room.

"Mommy, I wanna help!" Forest shouted.

"Okay," Sophia said. "Why don't you keep an eye on the baby while Auntie Melissa and I finish dusting?"

"Okay," Forest said, and he walked over to the stroller. He took a book out of the baby bag that was hanging on the handles, and began to show his sister the pictures. He couldn't read yet, but he could tell a story just by looking at the pictures.

"They've come a long way," Melissa commented.

"Don't I know it," Sophia replied. When Evelyn was born, Forest was very jealous of her, but now, the Sneer siblings were practically inseparable.

Sophia went to dust off the mantle, but stopped short when she saw the portrait hanging there.

"Melissa, look at this," she said. "It's a portrait of Count Verner Von Varkenstein."

"Eesh," Melissa said, grimacing at the portrait. "How'd you like to meet him in a dark alley?"

"I wouldn't!"

Count Verner Von Varkenstein was a pretty darn scary looking aardvark. He had beady eyes, and a scowling expression. Sophia cringed looking at it, and then took it down.

"That's better," she said.

"I agree," Melissa said. "I hope Cyril doesn't plan on keeping that thing up. It'll scare away customers!"

"I'm glad you took it down, Mommy," Forest said. "He was scary!"

Sophia and Melissa went back to work. After a few minutes, Sophia was tackling the layers of dust on the mirror, when something in it caught her eye. Over the mantle, the portrait of Count Verner Von Varkenstein was back. Sophia gasped in surprise, and whirled around, thinking her eyes were playing tricks on her, but they weren't. The portrait was back up over the mantle.

"M-m-m-melissa?" she stammered, nervously. "Did you hang that picture back up?"

"What?" Melissa asked. Then she looked over the mantle and gasped herself.

"I can tell you honestly, Sophia," she said. "I didn't hang it back up!"

"And I know I didn't hang it up," Sophia said. "And Forest can't even reach the mantle, and Evelyn couldn't possibly have done it."

"Then who . . . . or maybe what . . . . hung it back up there?"

"Do you really want to stick around and find out?"

"No! Let's get out of here!"

Melissa grabbed the handles of Evelyn's stroller and raced out of the room with her, while Sophia scooped up Forest, and followed, both screaming all the way down the hall.

In the meantime, Ralph and Schafer were busy mopping up the front hall. Even Broo was helping. Schafer and Ralph had found some scrub brushes, and they tied them to Broo's feet, and Broo started sliding around the floor.

"That's it, Broo," Schafer said. "You're doing great!"

"At this rate, we ought to finish this in no time," Ralph said. "You know, for once, ol' Cyril's come up with a great business idea."

"You're right, Ralph. This old place would make a nice hotel, once we get it fixed up."

"At least we're almost done with this hallway. We'd better get some more soap and water so we can mop up the rest of the house."

Schafer nodded, picked up his bucket, and started to leave. Ralph went to follow him, but he was suddenly jerked back, and he fell to the floor.

"Whoop!" he shouted, as he landed. Then, the bucket of water flew into the air, and landed right on Ralph's head.

SPLASH!

"Hey!" Ralph sputtered, taking the bucket off his head. "What's the big idea?! Who's the wise guy?!"

"Well, don't look at me, Ralph," Schafer said. "I didn't do anything."

"Did you see anything, Broo?" Ralph asked. Broo barked and shook his head. The trio then heard sinister cackling coming from nowhere. Ralph picked up Broo and glanced at Schafer.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Schafer?" he asked.

"Yes," Schafer answered. "Run!"

Ralph and Schafer beat a hasty retreat out of that hallway.

In the kitchen, the Pigs were just finishing cleaning up. Lloyd looked around at his and his brothers' work and smiled.

"Well, the kitchen is now spic and span," he said. "You know what that means, boys?"

"LUNCH TIME!" all three Pigs shouted at once, and they grabbed a picnic basket they had brought with them. They unloaded it, pushed the basket aside, and began to eat.

"Hey, who's got the sauerkraut and the mustard?" Floyd asked. "I can't eat a ham, swiss, baloney, sardine, and cucumber sandwich without sauerkraut and mustard on it!"

"Check the basket," Lloyd replied. "I'd better check too. This turkey, cheddar, liverwurst, and mint jelly needs ketchup and some pickle relish."

"This peanut butter-banana-onion-and-pickle sandwich is lacking something," Boyd said. "Did we pack the worschester-scheister-schester-schuster sauce?"

"Gesundheit," Floyd said.

Lloyd, Floyd, and Boyd left their sandwiches and went back to their picnic basket to begin digging for the condiments (and the sauerkraut, because sauerkraut is NOT a condiment, last I heard). When they found what they wanted, they returned to their sandwiches, only to find them gone.

"Hey! Who ate my sandwich?!" Lloyd shouted.

"Don't look at us!" Floyd shouted. "We were with you the whole time!"

Suddenly, the Pigs heard cackling. Then they screamed, and ran out of the kitchen as fast as they could.


	3. Light's Out

The Pigs raced into the living room where they found everyone else, crowding around Cyril, all talking at once. Cyril was looking annoyed at the lot of them. Finally, he stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled shrilly.

"QUIET!" he screamed at the top of his voice. Everybody stopped talking, and the room was silent. Cyril groaned.

"I told you I didn't want to hear any talk about ghosts," he said. "They don't exist!"

"Then what was playing those instruments?" Bentley asked.

"And who handed me my peanut butter soda?" Bert asked.

"And who hung that old portrait back on the wall after we took it down?" Sophia asked.

"And who dumped the bucket of water on me?" Ralph asked.

"And who ate our sandwiches?" Floyd asked.

"Who'd want to eat your sandwiches without having an indigestion attack?" Cyril said. "You're all letting your imaginations run away with you! That's all there is to it!"

"I don't know, Pop," Cedric said, nervously. "There's something about this place that gives me the creeps. Let's go home."

"Oh for goodness sake," Cyril groaned. "There's no such things as ghosts! And I'll prove it to you! I'll hunt down this alleged ghost."

Cyril stormed off and began Ghost Hunting. The others staid where they were. There was no way any of them was going to wander around this house.

Cyril went into the music room and looked around. He picked up one of the violins and inspected it, half expecting to find a string or something attached. He also inspected the cello, the other violin, and the viola. Everything seemed to be in order. He whacked the top of the piano and it started playing, until he gave it a second whack.

"Darn player pianos," he grumbled. Then he left the music room, and started up the stairs. He went into the master bedroom, and looked at the portrait.

"So this is Count Verner Von Varkenstein," he said. "Hmm. I wonder how long he'd been dead when he posed for that picture. Heh, heh."

Cyril inspected every inch of the room. He didn't find anything out of the ordinary in there. Then he went down to the main hallway. With the exception of two mops and an overturned bucket laying on the floor, everything looked pretty much in order. Finally, he went to the kitchen and looked around. All he found was the Pigs' picnic basket, and their condiments (and the sauerkraut) hanging around.

"Those stupid swine live like pigs," he grumbled. Then he went back up the stairs to continue his inspection. He passed the linen closet and stopped for a moment. He looked at it, and saw that there were sheets and towels peeking out from it. It looked like it was going to explode.

"I wonder how much stuff ol' Verner stuck in here," he said, opening the door. In true Fibber McGee Fashion, everything inside the linen closet spilled out. Cyril was buried underneath sheets and towels, as well as various knick knacks that were in there. He groaned as he tried to get back up on his feet. Everyone else heard the crash, and began to get nervous.

"Gee, I hope Pop's okay up there," Cedric said.

"Maybe we should go up and check," Melissa said.

The others just glanced at each other. They weren't sure if they wanted to go upstairs or not.

"Well don't everyone volunteer at once," Melissa said, sarcastically, and she headed for the staircase.

"Wait for me, Melissa!" Cedric shouted.

"Me too!" Bert called. Then he turned towards the Pigs. "Come on, you guys."

"Why us?" Floyd asked.

"Because you're Mr. Sneer's most faithful employees," Sophia pointed out.

"You know," Lloyd said to her. "You've been married to Cedric for four years now, and you still call the boss Mr. Sneer. Show a little backbone!"

"Look who's talking," Bert mumbled.

On that note, the Pigs followed Cedric, Bert, and Melissa up the stairs. The wind began to howl outside just then. Thunder rolled, and the group could see lightning flash from outside.

"We're in for a good storm," Cedric replied.

"That just adds to the atmosphere of this place," Boyd said, shuddering. "Oooh. I want my bunny-wunny!"

"I think it's in Evelyn's stroller," Lloyd said. "I'll go get it for you!"

Lloyd was about to race back down the stairs, but Bert grabbed him by the back of his shirt collar, and pulled him back. The group continued walking on, until they heard someone . . . . or some_thing_ moaning.

"Ooohhhhh . . . . ."

"What was that?!" both Floyd and Boyd shouted in unison, and they jumped onto Lloyd. The three Pigs held onto each other for dear life.

"It s-s-s-s-sounds like a g-g-g-ghost!" Cedric stammered.

"Don't panic," Melissa said. "Follow me, and stay calm!"

"Right behind ya," Bert said, falling in line behind Melissa. Cedric went behind Bert, and the Pigs went behind Cedric.

The moaning grew louder down the hall. Bert, Cedric, and the Pigs began to grow more nervous by the second. Melissa was getting a little spooked herself. They came to the linen closet, and found the mess of sheets and other things laying there.

"Something tells me Cyril's been in the linen closet," Melissa said.

"Pop!" Cedric called. "Hey Pop, where are you?"

The moaning grew louder, and the sixsome dared to look down the hall. Standing there in front of them was a ghost. A big, white, moaning ghost. Bert, Cedric, Melissa, and the Pigs all let out a scream, and ran off in the other direction.

"I knew this place was haunted!" Cedric shouted.

"Wait a minute!" Melissa shouted, skidding to a halt. "That ghost isn't even chasing us. It's just standing there. Now's our chance to get it!"

"Are you crazy?!" Floyd shouted. "I'm not going anywhere _near_ that ghost!"

"Melissa's right," Bert said. "After all, there's one of him, and six of us."

"Can't you make it three of you?" Lloyd asked.

"Come on!" Melissa shouted.

"Bert Raccoon! Ghost Buster!" Bert shouted. "CHAAAARRRRRGE!"

Bert, Cedric, and Melissa ran for the ghost. The Pigs shrugged, and followed as well. They managed to tackle the ghost to the ground, and they held him.

"We got the ghost! We got the ghost!" Floyd shouted, happily.

"Boy, oh boy, the boss is sure to give us a raise for this one!" Lloyd shouted.

"I'll give you a raise all right!" the ghost shouted. "I'll raise you straight to the moon if you don't get off of me NOW!"

"Pop!" Cedric shouted, immediately recognizing his father's voice. Everyone got up, and Cyril finally pulled the sheet off of him.

"Sheesh, Cyril, what're ya trying to do, scare us?" Bert asked.

"Never mind!" Cyril shouted. Then the group went back to the others, and Cyril gave his report.

"Now, I've made a thorough inspection," he said. "There are no ghosts in this house, and therefore, this house is not haunted!"

"But Mr. Sneer, we saw everything floating and stuff," Bentley said.

"And the scary picture was back on the wall after Mommy took it down, and she and Auntie Melissa didn't put it back up again, Gampa!" Forest shouted.

"Forest, listen to me," Cyril said, kneeling down to his grandson's level. "You're letting your imagination run wild. All of you are. It's an old, run down house, there's a storm outside, so naturally, your mind plays tricks on you."

"But Pop . . . ." Cedric started.

"No buts!" Cyril yelled. "If this house is haunted, may lightning strike it!"

A gigantic crash of thunder was heard, and indeed, lightning _did _strike the old house, and that caused the power to go out. The next thing the group heard was a very girlish scream.

"Okay, which one of you girls is the wise guy?!" Lloyd shouted. "One of you just screamed in my ear!"

"That was me, Lloyd," Floyd said. "Sorry."

"Floyd, you squeal like a girl," Lloyd said.

"You and your big mouth, Cyril!" Bert shouted. "I can't see a thing!"

"Anybody got a flashlight?" Lisa asked.

"Somebody find a light switch," Boyd said. "I'm scared of the dark!"

Everyone began to fumble around, feeling around looking for the switch.

"Oof!" Bert shouted, bumping into somebody.

"Sorry, Bert," Ralph said.

"I hope we find the lights soon," Lisa said. "It's starting to get really spooky in here!"

"Don't worry, Lisa!" Bert shouted, grabbing whom he thought was Lisa. "I'll protect you!"

"Uhh, Bert?" Cedric asked. "That's _my_ arm you're holding."

"Whoops," Bert said. "Sorry, Cedric."

"Hey, I think I found the lights!" Bentley shouted, and he pulled what he thought was a string to a lamp.

"Oooooowwwwww!" Forest howled in pain. Then he started crying. "That really hurted!"

"Oh, sorry, Forest," Bentley said. "I didn't realize that was your ear."

The group fumbled around a little more. The next thing that was heard was Snag yelping, a crash, and then Broo howling.

"Ow!" Sophia shouted.

"Are you all right, Sophia?" Cedric asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," Sophia said, standing up. "But I just tripped over Snag and landed on Broo."

"Ouch!" Lisa shouted, suddenly. "Bentley!"

"I'm over here!" Bentley shouted from across the room.

"Then who just stomped on my foot?!" Lisa shouted.

"I think that was me," Lloyd said. "Sorry."

"This is way too creepy for me," Boyd said. "I'm going to hide under this rug."

"That's my tail!" Ralph shouted, yanking his tail away from the Pig. "Get out from under there!"

"Sorry," Boyd said, sheepishly.

"There's got to be a light switch around here somewhere," Cyril said, making his way around the room. He suddenly bumped into something and fell, and Evelyn began wailing. Apparently, Cyril had knocked over the stroller, and Evelyn along with it.

"Okay, who's the idiot who left the stroller in the middle of the room?!" Cyril yelled.

"Gee, Melissa," Ralph said, taking Melissa's hand. "I didn't realize your hand was so big."

"That's because it's mine, Ralph," Schafer said.

"Oops!" Ralph shouted. "Sorry, Schafer."

"Hey! Hey, everybody!" Floyd shouted, excitedly. "I think I've found something! It might be the lights! I'm gonna push it, and then the lights will come back on! I'm sure of it!"

Floyd pushed what he thought would turn on the lights. Melissa let out a gasp, screamed, and slapped Floyd right in the face as hard as she could.

WHACK!

"Sorry," Floyd said.

"Ah ha!" Bert shouted, reaching up. He had grabbed something in his hand. "I found the string to turn on the lights!"

"That's my nose, you moron!" Cyril shouted, sounding nasal.

"Eeeww, sorry," Bert said, letting go immediately.

After some more shuffling and bumping into each other, the group heard something creaking nearby, and then a sinister sounding cackle. Sophia suddenly let out a shriek, like Hollywood starlets do in those old black and white movies.

"Beware!" an ominous voice shouted. "If you do not leave Von Varkenstein Manor, you must pay the consequences!"

"It's the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein!" the Pigs yelled in unison.

"Don't be ridiculous," Cyril said. "There's no such things as ghosts. Now whoever you are, get out of here!"

"You _dare_ speak that way to Count Verner Von Varkenstein?!" the ominous voice asked. "You _dare_ tell Count Verner Von Varkenstein to leave his own manor?! Leave Von Varkenstein Manor, or you will pay the consequences!"

Thunder crashed and lightning flashed. Everyone screamed, and grabbed onto everyone else, trying to find comfort. Cyril was finally tired of it.

"I've had enough of this!" he shouted. "Would somebody turn on the lights already?!"

There was a small click, and Cyril was nearly blinded by a small flashlight, held by Forest. Everyone looked at him, and gaped.

"Forest!" Cyril shouted, exasperated. "You mean to tell me you had a flashlight all this time?"

"Yup," Forest said.

"How come you didn't turn it on when the lights went out?!"

"You didn't ask."

Cyril slapped his hand over his eyes and moaned. Forest rolled his eyes, and looked over at Evelyn, who was sitting on the floor.

"Grown ups," he mumbled. Evelyn just babbled in baby talk. Finally, the lights came back on, much to everyone's relief.

"About time," Cyril said.

"Hey, there's something on my leg," Lisa said. She looked down, and saw her brother, clutching her leg for dear life. "Bentley, what are you doing?"

"I thought you were Aunt Melissa," Bentley said, letting go of his sister. "I can't believe I was hugging my sister. Yuck!"

"I think there's something under my tail," Melissa said. She turned around, and there was Floyd.

"Hey!" Melissa shouted.

"Sorry," Floyd said, sheepishly. "I thought it was a rug." He ran off before Melissa could hit him again.

"Hey, Cedric," Ralph said, looking over at his friend. "Is there something going on between you and that plant?"

Cedric looked down, and saw he was hugging a nearby potted plant. He cleared his throat and stepped away from it.

"Boy, this is really . . . ." Bert said. Then he realized he was hugging someone, and it wasn't Lisa. "What the . . . ."

"Gee, I didn't even know you cared," Boyd said, as Bert realized he was holding the Pig in his arms.

"Ehhhh," Bert groaned, dropping Boyd then and there.

Before the group could say anything else, they heard the sound of whimpering thumb sucking, and turned to look at the stroller. Sitting in it was Lloyd, sucking his thumb, and clutching a stuffed bunny rabbit tightly. The others looked at him as if he were crazy. Lloyd saw everyone staring at him, laughed sheepishly, took his thumb out of his mouth, and climbed out of the stroller. Then he picked up Evelyn, put her in the stroller, gave her the bunny, and patted her head. Then he smiled at everyone else, gave a little embarrassed giggle, and soft shoed out of sight (or at least behind the stroller).

"Do a head count, Cedric," Ralph said. "I want to make sure we're all here. Just in case."

"Good idea, Ralph," Cedric said, and he began counting. Then he began double checking and even triple checking. Ralph noticed he was becoming a little panicked.

"What's wrong, Cedric?" he asked. "Aren't we all here?"

"No," Cedric said, looking extremely nervous. "Sophia's missing!"


	4. Searching for Sophia

There was another loud clap of thunder, and another flash of lightning. Everyone jumped, afraid the lights were going to go out again. Cedric was a complete basket case.

"I can't believe it!" he shouted. "I-I-I-I just can't believe it! Sophia's gone! She wouldn't just up and leave without Forest and Evelyn! She . . . . she just wouldn't! We've got to find her!"

"Don't panic, Cedric," Melissa said, putting her hand on his arm. "I'm sure Sophia's around here somewhere."

"She couldn't have gone far," Schafer said.

"Not without stepping on someone or tripping over them, anyway," Cyril said. "We would've heard her if she left the room."

"M-m-m-maybe the ghost got her," Floyd said, nervously.

"For the millionth time, there are no such things as ghosts!" Cyril yelled, getting fed up with the Pigs.

"Then who was just yelling at us to get out or face the consequences?" Bert asked. "The pizza delivery guy?"

"Can we argue about it later?" Cedric asked. "We've _got_ to find Sophia!"

"Cedric's right," Schafer said. "I suggest we split up. We'll cover more ground that way."

"Okay," Ralph said. "Bert, you Lisa, and Bentley check the north wing. Cyril, you and Schafer take Forest and Evelyn and check the east wing. Pigs, you take the dogs and check the west wing. Cedric, you come with me and Melissa and we'll check the south wing."

Everyone agreed, and then split up. Schafer took the stroller and pushed it along while Forest grabbed onto Cyril's hand.

"I'm scared, Gampa," he said. "What if Floyd's right, and the ghost really did get Mommy?"

"Don't worry, Forest," Schafer said. "We'll find her."

"And those porkers are never right about _any_thing," Cyril said. He picked up Forest and started carrying him, so they could move faster.

"Will the ghost hurt Mommy?" Forest asked, hugging Cyril around the neck, nervously.

"Stop worrying, Forest," Cyril said. "I'm sure your mother's fine."

"I hope so," Forest said, and he stuck his thumb in his mouth, and began sucking on it. He usually only did that when he was nervous. Evelyn could sense that Forest was nervous, and so were Schafer and Cyril, and she started whimpering.

"Don't you start up, too, Evelyn," Cyril said. "I'm not in the mood."

"She's scared, too," Forest said. "She thinks the ghost got Mommy."

Cyril groaned. It was obvious the kids were not going to change their minds over the existence this ghost, so he and Schafer just kept walking.

Meanwhile in the north wing, Bert, Lisa, and Bentley were wandering around.

"Sophiiiiiaaaaa!" Bert called. "Come out, come out wherever you aaaarrrrrre!"

"I don't think we'll find Sophia that way, Bert," Bentley said.

"Well, it was worth a shot," Bert said, shrugging.

"I'm getting worried," Lisa said.

"I'm sure Sophia's around here somewhere," Bert said. "She probably just ran off when the ghost showed up."

"I don't know, Bert," Lisa said. "She wouldn't just run off without Cedric or the kids. Especially not the baby!"

"Yeah, you're right," Bert admitted, starting to feel a bit worried. "Boy, I hope she's okay."

"I hope we find her soon," Bentley said. "Then we can get out of here. This place gives me the creeps!"

"You said it, brother," Lisa said, as the trio continued walking. As they walked, they could hear the floor creaking.

"Boy, this really is an old house," Bentley said. "The floor creaks worse than Grandma's floor!"

"Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if this place had trap doors and everything," Bert said. "You take one step, and _whoosh_! You'd go right through the floor!"

Well, Bert just had to go and open his big mouth. The minute he said that, the floor beneath Lisa and Bentley dropped out, and the two of them fell through a trap door.

"Yaaahhhh!" they screamed as they fell.

"Yeah, my sediments exactly," Bert said, not even noticing Bentley and Lisa were gone. "Come on, guys. We've got a lot of ground to cover."

Lisa and Bentley slid down a slide of some kind, and landed in a tunnel, which was lighted dimly by torches on the wall. They got up, and began walking around.

"I really wish Bert would learn to keep his big, fat mouth shut," Bentley groaned.

"You and me both," Lisa replied, brushing herself off. "Where are we anyway?"

"Looks like a secret room under the house, just like in the movies. Let's see where it leads! Maybe Sophia's down here!"

"Okay. Let's go."

Bentley and Lisa started to walk down the tunnel, when they suddenly heard something on the other side of the wall. It sounded like sinister cackling.

"What's that?" Bentley asked.

"Shh!" Lisa hissed. "Listen!"

"Those fools are still upstairs in my manor," a voice said. It was the same voice that warned the group to get out of the house, or face the consequences.

"It's the ghost," Bentley whispered.

"Quiet, Bentley," Lisa said. "I'm trying to hear what he's saying."

"I thought for sure they would have left by now," the voice continued. "No matter. If they don't leave, then they'll just have to stay, permanently!"

"I don't like the sound of that," Bentley said.

"Shhh!" Lisa hissed once more. "He might hear us!"

"Now then, my little pretty," the voice went on. "What shall we do with you?"

The ominous voice laughed again, and the laughter slowly faded away. Lisa figured he left the room.

"Come on," she said to Bentley. "We've got to find out how to get on the other side of this wall. Something's telling me he's got Sophia."

"I think I see something down there," Bentley said, pointing. "Come on!"

Bentley ran down the tunnel, with Lisa close behind him. They turned a corner, and sure enough, that led them to the other side. On the other side, they found another tunnel.

"I think our ghost went through here," Lisa said. "Let's go."

"But what if he's still in there?" Bentley asked.

"What are you, Bentley? A man or a mouse?"

"Neither. I'm a raccoon!"

"Wise guy."

Lisa and Bentley continued walking down the tunnel. Suddenly, they heard footsteps, and leaned against the wall, as far in as they could. A ghostly looking figure was coming down the tunnel. Both Lisa and Bentley shuddered a bit when he walked by them, but it appeared that he had not noticed them.

"I think that's the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein," Bentley whispered.

"Shh!" Lisa hissed. "He'll hear us!"

Luckily for them, Count Von Varkenstein walked on, taking no notice of the two raccoons in the tunnel. Once he was out of sight, Lisa and Bentley snuck down the tunnel, and peered through a doorway. In a small room, lit only by torches was Sophia, sitting on a bench, blindfolded. Her hands were tied together at her wrists in front of her, and her ankles were tied together as well.

"Sophia?" Lisa asked, as she and Bentley slowly walked toward her.

"Lisa, is that you?" Sophia asked, turning toward where she heard Lisa's voice.

"Boy, are we glad to see you!" Bentley shouted. He got to work untying Sophia's ankles while Lisa removed the blindfold and began untying her wrists.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," Sophia said. She heaved a sigh of relief. "But what are you doing down here?"

"We were looking for you upstairs, and we fell through a trap door," Bentley said. "How did you get down here?"

"I'm not too sure," Sophia said. "All I remember was some kind of door creaking open, and this horrible laughter . . . . . then someone grabbed me, and I screamed, and I must have fainted, because I don't remember what happened after that. When I woke up, all I could hear was that awful laughter again."

"We'd better find a way back upstairs and tell the others what we know," Lisa said.

But before the trio could take one step out of that small room, a stone wall came out from a hidden panel, and slammed shut, sealing Lisa, Bentley, and Sophia inside that room. Then, they heard Count Von Varkenstein cackle outside, and then he left.

"We're trapped!" Bentley shouted.

"We've got to find a way out of here so we can warn the others!" Lisa shouted. "Before it's too late!"


	5. One By One

Meanwhile, upstairs, Ralph, Melissa, and Cedric were searching through the south wing of the mansion. Cedric was practically beside himself.

"I really hope Sophia's okay," he said, nervously wringing his hands.

"Don't worry, Cedric," Melissa assured him. "We'll find her."

"One thing's for sure, we can't leave this house until we find her," Ralph said. "And once we do find Sophia, I'm planning on getting out of here as fast as I can!"

"I'm with you," Cedric replied. "Pop can do his own construction work and renovations."

Ralph and Melissa agreed, and the threesome continued walking down the halls. They began tapping on the walls and the floors, looking for secret passages. They figured there were probably some around. All old houses seem to have them. But Cedric and Ralph weren't having much luck finding them.

"I don't think there are any trap doors in this wing, guys," Melissa said.

"I think you're right, Melissa," Ralph said with a sigh. "We'd better keep moving."

"Let's check behind the pictures on the walls," Cedric said. "Maybe they'll be something behind one of them."

"You'd better do that, Cedric," Ralph said. "Melissa and I can't reach them."

"Okay," Cedric said. "Keep your eyes open for any secret doors that might open up."

Cedric began lifted pictures off the wall, and searching for secret buttons or something behind them. Ralph began to tap on the walls a little more. Melissa looked around the hallway. One end was where they had come in from, and the other was pitch darkness. She didn't necessarily want to go down that way, that was for sure. She leaned against the wall for a moment, but a door suddenly opened, and she fell through.

"Huh?!" she shouted, and the door closed.

"Did you say something, Melissa?" Ralph asked. He and Cedric looked to where Melissa had been standing only a few moments before.

"Melissa?" Ralph asked, again, suddenly feeling panicked. "Melissa, where are you?!"

"Oh no," Cedric said. "She's gone and disappeared, too!"

"Let's not panic, Cedric," Ralph said, trying to get ahold of himself. "Panicking won't get us anywhere."

"Y-y-y-you're r-r-r-right, R-r-r-ralph," Cedric stammered. "W-w-w-we w-w-w-won't find M-m-m-melissa and S-s-s-sophia if w-w-w-we j-j-j-just st-st-stand here and p-p-p-panic!"

"That Porky Pig thing must be catching. Come on, Cedric."

Ralph and Cedric went down the hallway, continuing to tap on the walls. Suddenly, Cedric stopped.

"Ralph," he said, a bit nervously. "I feel the need to quote Bugs Bunny here . . . . did you ever get the feeling you were being . . . . . watched?"

"Yeah, actually," Ralph said with a gulp. "But it must be our imaginations. There's nothing to be afraid of. There's no one here."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

Suddenly, without any word of warning, a large fishing net fell from the ceiling, and landed on Ralph and Cedric. Both of them screamed, and tried to find their way out of it.

"Hey! What's going on?!" Cedric shouted.

"Let us out of here!" Ralph yelled.

A sinister cackle was heard, and suddenly, Ralph and Cedric were being pulled towards the pitch black end of the hallway, but by no one at all.

"Something's telling me we're going to find out what happened to Melissa and Sophia," Ralph said.

Elsewhere, the Pigs were wandering around the west wing with Broo and Snag sniffing around the ground, trying to pick up scents.

"Why'd he have to give us the west wing?" Floyd asked. "I don't like west wings!"

"Why not?" Lloyd asked.

"There's always beasts hiding in west wings!" Floyd yelled. "Everyone knows that! Big, ugly beasts make west wings forbidden! Oooohhhhhh!"

"You watch too much television," Boyd said, and the Pigs walked on. The dogs were in the lead, trying to sniff things out, but they weren't having much luck.

"Whew," Lloyd said, leaning against the wall. "This is hard work!"

"I need a break," Boyd said, leaning against the same wall.

"Me too!" Floyd said, and he leaned against the wall as well. But the minute all three pigs were leaning against the wall, a door opened up, and they fell through it. Snag and Broo followed in after them.

"Whoooaaaa!" the Pigs shouted.

Back in the east wing, Schafer and Cyril continued looking around.

"This is ridiculous!" Cyril shouted. "We've been through this part of the house at least ten times and we haven't gotten anywhere!"

"Calm down, Cyril," Schafer said.

"Maybe there's a door in the wall," Forest said. "Like on TV."

"Right," Cyril said, rolling his eyes. "Like I'm supposed to grab on to this light fixture, pull it, and a door opens up in the wall!"

Cyril took hold of the light fixture, pulled, and a door did open up in the wall. As a matter of fact, the entire wall swung around, and Schafer and the kids were turned around inside the walls as well.

"Remind me to talk to your parents about how much television you watch, Forest," Cyril said, turning around. "I'm starting to think you and the Pigs watch entirely too much . . . . ."

Cyril trailed off when he realized he was alone in the hallway, and he wasn't at all amused with it.

"This is all those Raccoons doing!" he shouted. "Trying to scare me out of business! Hah! I'll show them . . . . once I find them."

Cyril walked back towards the main hall. He had a few bones to pick with these Raccoons. As he was on his way back, he ran into Bert, literally.

"Sorry about that, Cyril," Bert said.

"Well, where's the rest of your search party?" Cyril asked.

"Lisa and Bentley? They're right . . . ." Bert turned around, and finally realized Bentley and Lisa were no longer with him. He gulped, and then looked at Cyril.

"Well, they _were_ right here," he said. "What about you? Where are Schafer and the kids?"

"My best guess is hiding trying to scare me out of business, like you and your friends put them up to do!"

"Are you kidding?! Why would I put my pals up to something like this?! It's scaring me out of my wits!"

"Well . . . . where's Cedric and the others? Weren't we all supposed to meet back here about now?"

"Yeah. Hey, Cyril, I, uhh, I just realized something."

"What?"

"Well, Sophia's disappeared, then Bentley and Lisa go missing, then Schafer and the kids are gone, and no one else has shown up to check in."

"What's your point?"

"We're the only ones left!"

Another clap of thunder roared through the air, as did another crack of lightning. Bert and Cyril began to get nervous. They didn't like the look of this at all.

"Are you positive you and those other raccoons aren't behind all of this?" Cyril asked, chewing on his cigar nervously.

"Positive," Bert said. "Raccoon Scout's honor. I wouldn't make something like this up, Cyril! I wouldn't involve Forest and Evelyn in a prank this terrifying. I think we should look for the others. And I also think we should stick together. Who knows what could happen if we split up?"

"I don't like it. I don't like it one bit, but I'll do it anyway, seeing is it's better than wandering around here alone."

Bert and Cyril shook hands on it, and started walking down a hallway. Suddenly, a door opened underneath Bert's feet, and he fell down it.

"Yaahhhhh!" he yelled as he fell.

"Now what?" Cyril asked, turning around. He looked around, and found Bert was gone.

"Oh terrific," he grumbled. "And then there was one. Fine time for that rat of a raccoon to disappear on me!"

Cyril continued walking along until he heard mad cackling coming from nowhere.

"Your friends did not heed my warning!" an ominous voice shouted. "There is time, though. Time for you to leave! Get out while you still can! Or there will be no hope for you, or your friends!"


	6. The Dungeon

Thunder clapped and lightning flashed. Cyril did not want to admit he was nervous, but he was nervous. Oh boy, was he nervous! He was the only one left.

"Just calm down, Cyril," he said to himself. "Get a hold of yourself. There's a logical explanation for this. And it wouldn't surprise me if those Raccoons were behind it all. Even if he says they aren't. Once I find the lot of them, I'll make caps out of them!"

Cyril wandered around the hallways. He suddenly heard hysterical laughter from inside the walls. He jumped, and started shaking for a moment, then he cleared his throat.

"Nothing to worry about," he said. "It's just the imagination playing tricks. That's all."

Cyril continued to move forward, strangely enough, towards the hysterical laughter. He figured if he could find it, he could find out what in the world was going on around here. Cyril finally reached a dead end in the hallway and groaned.

"Well, now what?" he asked himself, leaning against the wall. A brick pushed inward, and a door opened in the wall. Inside, there was a flight of stairs.

"Hmm," Cyril said, thoughtfully. "Looks like Forest was right about there being secret tunnels in here."

Suddenly, the hysterical laughter grew louder. Cyril took a deep breath, chewed his cigar nervously, and began to descend the staircase. The laughter grew louder and louder, until he reached a large door. It reminded him of his dungeon in the Sneer mansion. Cyril grabbed the handle of the door and pulled it open.

"What in blazes!" he shouted the minute he opened the door.

Bert strapped down to the floor, with a feather duster tied to a pendulum swinging back and forth over his feet. That was the laughter Cyril had heard upstairs. It was the ol' Chinese Tickle Torture. The others were in the room as well. Bentley, Schafer, Forest, and Evelyn were locked inside of a cell. Ralph and Cedric were tied onto a rack. Broo and Snag were chained to the wall by their collars. Sophia and Lisa were also chained to the wall, but by their wrists. Melissa was locked inside of an iron maiden (obviously, with the spikes removed), and the Pigs were locked in the stocks.

"Pop!" Cedric shouted, once he saw his father. "Boy, am I glad to see you!"

"So are we for once," Bert said. Cyril walked over to him, grabbed the pendulum, and yanked the duster off of it. Bert's laughing was driving him crazy.

"Get us out of here, boss!" Floyd shouted.

"Yeah I'm getting a stiff neck!" Lloyd said.

"I don't know," Cyril said, pretending to think it over. "I think it would be very beneficial to leave you three in there for awhile. That way, you won't be costing me money!"

"Po-_op_!" Cedric shouted.

"I'm only kidding, Cedric," Cyril said, as he walked over to Ralph and Cedric. He began to untie them from the rack. "But I can't let them out, anyway, or the others. I don't have the keys."

"But I do," a voice said, before Cyril got very far freeing Cedric. Cyril turned around, and saw the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein standing there, holding a ring of keys in his hand.

"It's the ghost!" the Pigs shouted in unison.

"So you're Count Verner Von Varkenstein," Cyril said, glaring at this ghost. "I'll have you know I'm not afraid of you! Now give me those keys!"

"If you want them, come and get them," Von Varkenstein said, and he dangled the keys in front of Cyril.

"All right," Cyril said. He took his cigar out of his mouth, threw it on the floor, and stomped it out with his foot. Then he turned to the others.

"If any of you are the squeamish type, then I suggest you don't look," he warned. "This won't be pretty."

Cyril charged, and he tackled the ghost. Von Varkenstein was a little surprised, and thrown off guard. The keys flew from his hand. Cyril jumped up and ran for them, but Von Varkenstein grabbed him by the leg, and Cyril came crashing down to the ground.

"Why you . . . ." Cyril said. He grabbed Von Varkenstein's nose, and yanked it as hard as he could.

"You know, Mr. Sneer fights pretty well for an old guy," Bentley commented.

Cyril pulled Von Varkenstein's nose forward a bit, and then let go Von Varkenstein stumbled right into the wall. Cyril took that chance, and reached for the keys. Von Varkenstein jumped Cyril, and sat there on top of him.

"Aaahhhhh!" Cyril screamed. "Oooh! Ooh my spine! Ooooohhhh the pain! The pain! Somebody call me a chiropractor!"

"Okay, you're a chiropractor," Boyd said.

"Now's not the time for joking around," Melissa said. "Cyril, are you all right?"

"Oooooh, my aching sacroiliac!" Cyril moaned again. "Oooooh! I think it's been broken!"

Von Varkenstein immediately shot to his feet. He was a little surprised at this. He hadn't meant to break Cyril's back. Cyril continued to moan and howl in pain. Von Varkenstein kneeled down to see if he was all right. Cyril then suddenly gave Von Varkenstein a left hook, and stood up.

"Hah!" he shouted. "You fell for the ol' aching back trick!"

"Way to go, Pop!" Cedric shouted.

"Yay, Gampa!" Forest shouted, clapping his hands. "I thought you were really hurted."

"Nothing to it, Forest my boy," Cyril said. But the minute no one was looking, Cyril pressed his hand against his back, leaned forward, and groaned.

"Oooohhhh," he mumbled. "Better get those Pigs to get me an appointment with a chiropractor when this is over."

Cyril then walked over to Von Varkenstein, who was just laying there, and put one foot on his stomach, then pressed.

"Ooohhh," Von Varkenstein moaned. "All right. All right. I know when I'm beaten. You, sir, are the winner. I surrendor."

"This is exactly how I made my first million," Cyril said. "Now, hand over the keys!"

"If you please, good sir," Von Varkenstein said, standing up. "There are several different keys here. And it will take far too long to figure out which key unlocks what. I, however, know exactly which key is which. Allow me to assist you, sir."

"Well, all right," Cyril said. "But only because I don't have all night to sift through keys!"

"We shall start with the cell."

Cyril and Von Varkenstein walked towards the cell. Von Varkenstein took a key from the ring, stuck it into the lock, turned it, and opened the cell door. Then he shoved Cyril into the cell, slammed the door shut, and locked it once more.

"You fool!" he shouted. "Did you honestly _think_ I would help you after trespassing on _my_ property?!"

"This isn't your property anymore, buster!" Cyril shouted. "It's mine! I bought it!"

"Keep quiet, or I shall tie a sailor knot in your nose, and a square knot of your ears!" Von Varkenstein shouted. "You are all my prisoners!"

"What are you going to do with us?" Sophia asked, nervously.

"No need to fret, my little pretty," Von Varkenstein said. "I wouldn't dream of harming any of you. You will all remain in my dungeon forever!"

And with that, Von Varkenstein cackled madly, and left the dungeon, slamming the door behind him. There looked like there was no way out of this one.

"We've got to find a way out of here," Ralph said. "But how?"

"We need to get the keys from Count Von Varkenstein," Cedric replied. "I think that's the only way out of this mess."

"How do you expect to get the keys, Cedric?!" Cyril shouted. "We're all stuck down here, and _he's_ up there with them!"

"Maybe Evelyn could squeeze through the door," Forest said. "She's little enough."

"Forest, that's a terrible idea!" Cyril shouted. "She wouldn't know what to do once she got out of here! She's just a baby!"

"Well, it works on TV," Forest said, pouting.

"Cedric, how much television do you and Sofa Girl allow him to watch per day?" Cyril asked.

"I don't think now's a good time to discuss it, Pop," Cedric replied.

"Well, why not? We've got eternity down here!"

The others groaned. Finally, Broo couldn't take it any longer. He began growling, and pushing against his collar with his hind legs.

"Hey, look at Broo!" Bentley shouted. "He's trying to get out!"

"Atta boy, Broo!" Bert encouraged. "Come on, boy, you can do it!"

Broo struggled and squirmed until finally, he managed to get out of the collar that was chaining him to the wall. Everyone else (except Cyril) cheered.

"Way to go, Broo!" Melissa shouted.

"Listen carefully, little guy," Schafer said, as Broo came over to the cell. "We're all depending on you, now. I want you to go and get the keys from Count Von Varkenstein so we can get out of here."

Broo barked and ran for the door. He jumped up to the window, and squeezed out through the bars on it, then he ran up the stairs.

"Our fate rests in the hands of a puppy," Cyril said. "Does anyone else think we're doomed?"


	7. Fighting Fear With Fear

Broo managed to make his way into the main hall. He sniffed around, trying to get a scent from either Von Varkenstein, or his keys. He climbed up the stairs, crawled down the hallway, and peeked into the master bedroom. Inside was Von Varkenstein, sleeping soundly, and snoring loudly. Broo gave him a strange look. Since when do ghosts snore? As a matter of fact, since when do sleep?

Broo wandered into the room, quietly. He didn't want to wake up Von Varkenstein. He sniffed around the room, until he picked up the scent of the keys on the dresser. He jumped up, and was about to grab them when something else caught his eye. It was a box, the kind to hold contact lenses. Now Broo was really confused. He had spent many stormy evenings with Bert reading ghost stories to know that ghosts didn't wear contact lenses. Broo took another good look around the room. Von Varkenstein's clothes (which resembled those of Count Dracula) were strewn all around the room. Broo jumped down and investigated the clothes. He found a microphone hidden in the lapel of Von Varkenstein's shirt. What would a ghost need a microphone for?

Broo pondered this, and sniffed around a little more. He went to the closet, which was opened slightly, and sneaked in. Inside was a small can of phosphorous paint. Broo picked it up in his mouth, and carried it out of the closet. Then, he jumped back on the dresser, grabbed the keys, and took off. Von Varkenstein stirred, and sat up for a moment. He looked around the room, shrugged, and then went back to sawing logs.

Broo raced down the stairs towards the dungeon. He barked to let the others know he was there, and then pushed the keys under the door. Then he jumped up to the window, and squeezed through the bars.

"Broo!" Sophia shouted.

"And he's got the keys!" Ralph exclaimed.

"Hey, atta boy, Broo!" Bert shouted.

"Good going, little guy," Schafer said.

"It's about time," Cyril grumbled, and he took the keys. He fit two or three in the lock before he found the right one. Once he was out, he threw Schafer the keys.

"You get to work unlocking," he said. "I'll take the rack."

"What about me, Mr. Sneer?" Bentley asked.

"Watch the kids," Cyril replied. "Make sure they don't get into anything they can't get out of." And with that, he walked over toward Cedric and Ralph on the rack. Bentley looked at Forest and Evelyn and groaned.

"Whoopee," he said, sarcastically.

About five minutes later, everyone was freed, but they still had a slight problem.

"How do we get out of this dungeon?" Lisa asked. "The lock's on the outside."

"I know how," Forest said. But before he could say anything, Bert jumped into the conversation.

"We break it down!" he shouted. "Bert Raccoon! Karate Ace! Hyyyyyy . . . . ."

"But Uncle Bert . . . ." Forest said.

Bert wasn't listening. He ran for the door, and smashed his hand against it. The door did not budge, but Bert was in a lot of pain.

"Yaaaaahhhhh-ha-ha-haaaaahhhh!"

"A lot of good _that_ did," Cyril said. "Anybody got any more bright ideas?"

"Gampa . . . ." Forest began, tugging on Cyril's hand.

"Not now, Forest," Cyril said.

"I saw an episode of _Pigyver_ where he was trapped in a locked room," Boyd said. "He used a piece of chewing gum, an eraser, and a pair of nylons to get out."

"I don't think that's going to work here," Ralph said. "Though I'd like to know where he got the nylons."

"Ralph!" Melissa shouted.

"Pigyver broke out of a cage using a paperclip once," Boyd said again.

"That old trick never works," Bentley said. "I could probably figure out a way to open the door if I had my computer."

"A lot of good your computer will do us now," Lisa said. "It's back at home!"

"Maybe Broo could squeeze through the bars again," Sophia suggested.

"Mommy . . . ." Forest began again.

"How's he going to get the key in the lock?" Cyril asked.

"But he's the only one small enough to fit through there, Pop," Cedric said.

"Daddy . . . ." Forest started again, sounding impatient.

"Forest, we're busy," Cyril said. Forest heaved a frustrated sigh. He hated to do this, but he had to be heard. He gave his grandfather a good, swift kick in the shin.

"Yeow!" Cyril shouted, hopping up and down on one foot while clutching his shin. "Forest, what in blazes did you do that for?!"

"Because it'll get you to listen to me!" Forest shouted, about ready to throw a tantrum. He went over to the door, turned the handle, and pushed it open. Everyone else just stared at him.

"The ghost didn't lock the door," Forest said. Then he groaned and rolled his eyes. "Grown ups."

"What a way to run a business," Cyril groaned as he left the dungeon.

"Now that we're out of the dungeon, let's get out of here!" Bert shouted.

"Not on your life!" Cyril shouted. "I paid good money for this place, and I intend to turn it into that hotel, and we'll start by tearing the house down! That's the only way to get rid of a ghost!"

Broo started barking suddenly. He picked up the can of paint he found upstairs, and dropped it at Sophia's feet. Sophia picked it up and looked it over.

"Cedric, look at this," she said, handing it to Cedric.

"Phosphorous paint?" Cedric said, reading the label on the can.

"Daddy, what's fossasaurus paint?" Forest asked.

"Phosphorous, Forest," Cedric corrected. "It's a paint that makes things glow in the dark. Broo, did you find this with the ghost?"

Broo barked and nodded.

"Why in the world would a ghost need phosphorous paint?" Melissa asked.

"Unless the ghost isn't a ghost at all," Schafer replied.

"Just like on _Scooby Doo_," Bentley said. "The ghosts are always fakes on _Scooby Doo_."

"Yeah," Bert said. "And just like on _Scooby Doo_, they catch the ghost and unmask him! We'll do the same thing!"

"But how?" Floyd asked.

"I know how," Lloyd said. "Everybody huddle! I've got a great idea."

"Hmph," Cyril groused. "The minute one of you porkers has a good idea, I'll give the three of you a raise."

The Pigs looked at each other and smiled. Then they got the group in a huddle while Lloyd whispered his idea to them.

(_scene wipes to the gang searching through the old house, set to the tune of "Here I Go Again" from the original Raccoons series. They're taking sheets from the closets, chains from the dungeon, and various other knick knacks from various rooms, dousing each other with the phosphorous paint. Broo goes back to retrieve the microphone. Ralph and Cedric find a bunch of speakers on the walls, and make some modifications to them_)

A few moments later, the Pigs, the Sneers, the Raccoons, and the dogs had everything ready. Ralph turned on the speakers, and Bert turned on the microphone. Sophia began to shake the chains.

"Whoooooooo," Bert said, trying to sound spooky. "I am the ghost of Varkenstein Past! Whoooooo!"

Inside the master bedroom, Von Varkenstein shot up, and looked around.

"That can't be," he said. And without that microphone, he didn't sound very ominous or frightening. He had a very high pitched voice, and he talked as if he had a head cold.

"Whooooo!" Bert shouted again. "I am here to punish all intruders! I am the ghost of Varkenstein Past, Present, Future, and all the time in between! Whoooooo!"

"Nyaaaahhhh!" Von Varkenstein shouted, and he ran from the room. He didn't get very far, though. He slammed right into the wall.

"Oh darn," he mumbled. "Where did I put those darn glasses?"

"Looking for these?" a ghostly voice asked, holding up a pair of wire-rimmed glasses.

"Oh, thanks," Von Varkenstein said. He took the glasses and put them on, only to be face to face with a short ghost.

"Booga, booga, booga!" the ghost shouted, waving his arms in the air.

"Yaaaahhh!" Von Varkenstein shouted, fleeing from the room. Once he was gone, the ghost removed his sheet, revealing Floyd.

"That got him," he said.

Von Varkenstein ran down the stairs. Once he reached the bottom, he looked around, nervously, and then, he heard howling.

"Eeeeee!" Von Varkenstein shouted, and he ran down the hall. The howling kept up until he reached the music room. He ran straight into the player piano. "When the Saints Go Marching In" began blaring out of it.

"Aaaahhh!" Von Varkenstein screamed. Then he caught his breath when he realized it was a player piano he had ran into. "Oh. Just the old player piano. Nothing to worry about."

"Got any requests?" a glowing white raccoon (who looked a lot like Ralph) asked, popping up from behind the piano.

"Eeek!" Von Varkenstein yelled, and he ran from the room.

Von Varkenstein raced into the mainhallway, where he met up with a glowing aardvark, wearing a Dracula-esque outfit, and holding an axe above his head (he was also smoking a cigar).

"You _dare_ impersonate the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein?!" he shouted. "Now you must pay the consequences!"

"Aaaaiiiiiieeeee!" Von Varkenstein shouted, and he ran straight for the dungeon.

"You won't get away that easy!" the cigar smoking ghost shouted, chasing after Von Varkenstein.

At the bottom of the stairs, Lloyd and Boyd were waiting with a piece of rope stretched between them. Von Varkenstein came running down, ran straight into the rope, tripped, flew into the air, and landed right in the stocks. Cedric slammed the top down, and Lisa locked it.

"We got the ghost!" she shouted.

"How about that?" Lloyd asked. "My brilliant plan worked!"

"Sheer luck," Cyril grumbled, wiping the phosphorous paint off his face.

"So how 'bout that raise?" Boyd asked.

"In a pig's eye!" Cyril shouted. Then he turned to Von Varkenstein. "Okay you, what's the big idea of pretending to be a ghost and scaring us all half to death?! I have a good mind to turn you over to the police for trespassing!"

"I'm no trespasser!" Von Varkenstein shouted. "_You're _the trespassers! Everyone who's stepped foot here are the trespassers! This is _my_ house!"

"Boy, this guy's some kind of nut," Bert said. "Maybe we oughta call a mental institution, if he thinks he's Count Verner Von Varkenstein!"

"No, I'm not Verner Von Varkenstein," Von Varkenstein said. "I'm Elroy Von Varkenstein, Verner's great-great-great-great grandson, and the last of the Von Varkensteins."

"Is that anything like last of the Mohicans?" Boyd asked.

"This old house is all that I have left of my family," Elroy said. "I grew up here. My mother died when I was a baby. My father and I lived here with my great-grandfather. My father died when I was twelve, so Great Grandfather practically raised me. I graduated high school and left for college. Great Grandfather died while I was away at school, and the house had fallen into disrepair. When I returned from school, I found that the city had put it up for sale, and everyone interested in buying it was going to tear it down, but I couldn't let that happen, so I pretended to be the ghost of Count Verner Von Varkenstein to scare people away. But then all of you wouldn't leave, so I had to take drastic measures."

"And that's why you locked us in the dungeon," Ralph said.

"Yes," Elroy said. "I wasn't planning on making you stay in there forever. I was gonna let you all go in the morning, but . . . . well . . . . I guess you'll turn me over to the police now."

"Darn right!" Cyril shouted.

"I don't know," Bert said. "I mean, he only did it to save his house from being torn down."

"I agree," Melissa said. She unlocked the stocks and let Elroy climb out of them.

"Thank you," he said.

"Ridiculous," Cyril said, and he headed for the stairs. "I've had enough of this nonsense! Tomorrow morning, this house comes down!"

"Please, sir," Elroy begged. "Please don't tear down the house! I don't have anywhere else to go!"

"I can't leave it up," Cyril said. "I'll never make any money with it while you're staying here pretending to be a ghost! It's bad for business! This house is coming down and a hotel will be built in it's place!"

"Oh, please, sir, I'm begging you!" Elroy shouted. "This house is all I have left in the world!"

There was a small silence then. Cyril wanted the house to be torn down, but the others had now switched sides on him. They didn't have the heart to send Elroy off to jail after hearing his side of the story. But the truth was, the house would probably end up being condemned anyway.

"Unless someone comes up with a way I can make some money on this house without tearing it down," Cyril said. "It's gonna have to go."

"I think I know what to do, Gampa," Forest said, hugging his grandfather around his middle. Cyril bent down and picked him up.

"Let's hear it, Forest," Cyril said. Forest leaned into Cyril's ear and whispered his idea to him. Cyril got a thought it over and smiled.

"That's not a bad idea, Forest," he said. "Not bad at all. It's so crazy, it just might work!


	8. All's Well That Ends Well

Within a week, Von Varkenstein Manor was fully restored, mostly thanks to the Raccoons and their friends. Ralph called Lady Baden-Baden who held a meeting of the Historical Society, and they had named Von Varkenstein Manor a historical landmark. Cyril never did get to convert the old place into a hotel, but thanks to Forest's idea, he was making money. Cyril had hired Elroy to give guided tours of the manor to visiting tourists, since he knew the manor inside and out. The best part was Cyril didn't even have to pay him. Elroy took the position of tour guide in exchange for room and board at the house.

"Things sure worked out great, Pop," Cedric said. "This has to be the best business idea you've ever came up with."

"Well, it was mostly Forest's idea," Cyril said, balancing his grandson on his shoulder. "I don't usually share the credit . . . . "

"Yeah, _that's_ for sure," Lloyd mumbled.

"But I'll make an exception for Forest," Cyril said, ignoring Lloyd. "You're a regular chip off the old block, Forest, my boy!"

"Looks like all's well that ends well," Ralph said.

"Yeah," Bert said. "I mean, I knew all along there wasn't any ghosts! There are no such things as haunted houses, after all!"

Suddenly, a white sheet started moving by itself across the floor. Everyone looked at it, a bit shocked. Bert's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

"YIKE!" he shouted. "It's the ghost of Von Varkenstein Manor! Yaaahhh!"

"Bert, will you calm down?" Lisa asked, removing the sheet. "It's only Evelyn!"

"Heh," Bert said. "I . . . . I knew it all the time!"

And with that, everyone laughed.

The End


End file.
